This blog isn't horse related, I apologize, but I really can't tie it in with my horse like I usually can, so just bear with me.All week I've woken up and put on an extremely brave face so that nobody could see my hurt.
I was once told by a therapist that I was the best actress she has ever seen. I could be incredibly depressed (clinically) and not show it on the outside. You see, when something or someone hurts me I take it and put it in a little box. I compact that box until it is tiny, then I gently place it in the back of my mind so that it won't accidentally bust open. If I am faced with whatever is in that box during the day or around people I think of it in terms of a thing. I can talk about things. I can be bitter about things. I can laugh about things. I can be mad about things. I just don't let myself think/talk/examine how those things make me feel or affect me. Not in front of people anyway. I save the feelings about the box until I am alone so nobody can see me hurt. To me, the worse thing in the world is letting somebody see me vulnerable, or even worse, let them know that they have/had the upper hand. I don't let people see that things bother me because I am a control freak and want to have complete control of every situation. Nothing scares me more than a situation where I am not in control. When I examine how the box makes me feel or how the box has affected me I am no longer in control.
Now for my feelings on the box, are you ready for this? I feel like he gave up and just walked away from it without even trying or talking to me. I feel like he is either lying to himself or to me - both of which piss me off. I feel like a dumbass for falling for those lies and believing him. I feel like a dumbass for doing this not just once, but twice. I feel like a failure because I failed him as a friend. I feel like a loser because I got dumped on valentine's day...over the phone. I feel like I lost my best friend because I did.
I keep telling myself I will be okay. I guess I feel like if I keep saying it over and over it will eventually become true. Things stick with me though, I am easily scarred. Scars shrink and grow smaller over time, so that's mainly what I hope for - that I will eventually look back on this with a bittersweet smile and a small shake of the head.
(Get ready for the horse tie-in...)
I'm an eventer though and no matter how much it hurts we always get back on to finish the ride (well, I guess back before the new rule change). I broke my face in MO and got back on to finish; I seperated my shoulder and fought the medics trying to get up and back on; I got bucked off, cracked my helmet, grabbed a new one and got back on...if I can grin and bear through physical pain, I will be able to grin and bear through this emotional hurt.
I am an eventer and we always get through the flags: over it, under it or through it.
