Heartache ---> Home

Whenever I start to hit rock bottom I always go home. Maybe it is the girl in me, I'm not sure, but I truly am a homebody in the sense that nothing makes heartache go away better than my horse and my family.

For the last couple of months I had lost that feeling of home with my horse. Don't get me wrong, I never stopped enjoying horses, teaching lessons and talking shop. That connection had just slipped. Now it is well on the way to being reconciled - starting with all the groundwork (thanks Pat Parelli!) that we've been doing.

Also in the past couple of months I've reconciled another connection: me with my spiritual beliefs. Now I'm not going to go all Bible-thumpin on y'all, I promise, but I've really been thinking about why I believe what I believe. Now I blame my being raised Lutheran on my need to know "why" and "what does it mean." (Have you ever read any of our doctrines, they are full of "What Does This Means" for every single Prayer, Creed, etc.) But it is because of these "What does this mean" statements that I know what I believe. I believe Communion is a sacred thing. I don't believe anyone who is visiting a Church (in other words doesn't know/believe that particular Church's beliefs regarding the Lord's Supper) should not take Communion. It is a testimant to your faith and your own personal belief. Now I'm not one to judge - I believe that everyone believes in what they believe (if that makes sense) and that they have their own personal feelings/reasonings for believe that - so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't get offended or start arguing beliefs/faiths with me - this is simply me writing out what has been churning around in my head for a couple months now...Lutherans believe that there is a Spiritual combination of the bread and Christ's Body and then the wine and Christ's Blood. It is one of the Sacraments of the Church - it is a very spiritual thing and I personally cannot take Communion without it being first blessed by the Pastor and then personally handed to you with the traditional litany of sorts taking place. As I said, it is very personal and Spiritual for me.
Last week was the first time I've taken Communion since my sister died in September of 2003. For the first year and a half after her death I was so angry at God that I was not ready to have the closeness of Communion with Him. After that I think I was scared and embarrassed to come back to the Church. I wasn't sure where it fit into my life and honestly I didn't really care that much for it. But probably in the past 6 months or so I've started mulling over what I believe and why I believe it. It also wasn't until recently that I realized I was much stronger in my beliefs than I thought I was and I'm not nearly as willing to give them up as I feared I would be.

So, I guess the silver lining of what I like to call "The Valentine's Day (Heart) Massacre" (yes, I'm a little on the melodramatic side, but this isn't a new thing) is that it has caused me to come home, physically and spiritually. For as good as it felt to throw a leg over my horse, it felt at least 8 times as good to go Home in my faith.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Isaiah 41:10