My Greatest Fear (Another Non-Horse Blog)

Maybe it's the two bottles of wine I've drank this weekend, or the Spanish scenery in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, but either way I've realized my greatest fear. I am scared to death that I will marry someone who I will eventually fall out of love with. I cannot imagine a sadder existence; bonded to somebody you love, but yet are not in love with them. Or worse still, someone who falls out of love with me. One of the worst realizations I've had in my life are those when I realized that I cared for someone more than they cared for me. Luckily it has only been with friendships and minor relationships, but it still hurts. I cannot imagine the pain of realizing your husband no longer is in love with you.

I believe that I have the ability to fall in love, I am just enough of a dreamer. I worry however about those who are either too scared or those who don't trust enough to fall in love eventually. There are some people who just won't let themselves fall. Those are the people that I worry about. Those are the people who will end up in not only a loveless marriage, but a truly unhappy life. I just hope that I will eventually find, not only happiness, but that in love feeling that will stand through thick and thin, till death do us part.

Saddle Envy

My Stubben does not fit Coaster. Period. And I hate padding up saddles, because there is only so much you can do, and if the saddle doesn't fit then the saddle doesn't fit. I've been dealing with this issue for quite sometime now, but just haven't had the funds to purchase a different saddle, but I think it is about time. I really can't expect him to do much more or perform any better without proper fitting equipment - a runner can't run in shoes that are compeletly the wrong size...

So I'm thinking of a.) taking out a loan or b.) hitting up the parents for a loan to buy either an Antares or a Devoucoux jump saddle. I kind of look at it as an investment - if this is what I'm going to do with my life then I need a saddle that is going to fit me and my horse properly. And even when I get another horse, the topline is most likely going to be similar to Coaster's. I really feel that to give the upper levels a fair shot I need a new saddle to help...now I just need to figure out how to pay for it...haha, does anybody have a few extra mill layin' around they can toss me?

My Therapy: Day 1

Yesterday was one of the most therapeutic days I've had in a really long time. I rode Coaster for about an hour (poor guy!)...I saddled him up and we went trail riding up the mountain behind the new barn. At one point he forgot how out of shape he was and took off running up the hill. I just grabbed mane and let him - my biggest worry was whether I would get bucked off at the top or not...ha. A little less than halfway up he just stops dead, I guess he forgot how much of an effort it was to run uphills! Oh well, after a couple weeks of just walking up it twice a week he will have an awesome hind end!

It was great to just ride around and be able to just clear my head. I laughed a little, I cried a little, but by the time my feet hit the ground my mind was clear. I still maintain my stance that I will bounce back better than ever, especially if I have my friends and horse to help me.

Let the Therapy Begin!

This week has been one of the worst. Between the weekend and all my tests I'm just mentally done. Today I was sitting there studying and all of a sudden had a little bit of a breakdown. Luckily, my Ethics teacher is amazing and is letting me take the test next week. As for my other tests I've take this week I'm pretty sure I aced them - how awesome is that?! Maybe I should get broken up with prior to all my tests (note the sarcasm)...

Now that the week is over(ish) I'm literally just done mentally. Tomorrow I plan on getting up, going to teach my lessons, grabbing lunch and then heading out to the barn to spend the ENTIRE afternoon....just me, my pony and several miles of new trails!!! Let therapy begin!!

I Hurt Today...

This blog isn't horse related, I apologize, but I really can't tie it in with my horse like I usually can, so just bear with me.

All week I've woken up and put on an extremely brave face so that nobody could see my hurt.

I was once told by a therapist that I was the best actress she has ever seen. I could be incredibly depressed (clinically) and not show it on the outside. You see, when something or someone hurts me I take it and put it in a little box. I compact that box until it is tiny, then I gently place it in the back of my mind so that it won't accidentally bust open. If I am faced with whatever is in that box during the day or around people I think of it in terms of a thing. I can talk about things. I can be bitter about things. I can laugh about things. I can be mad about things. I just don't let myself think/talk/examine how those things make me feel or affect me. Not in front of people anyway. I save the feelings about the box until I am alone so nobody can see me hurt. To me, the worse thing in the world is letting somebody see me vulnerable, or even worse, let them know that they have/had the upper hand. I don't let people see that things bother me because I am a control freak and want to have complete control of every situation. Nothing scares me more than a situation where I am not in control. When I examine how the box makes me feel or how the box has affected me I am no longer in control.

Now for my feelings on the box, are you ready for this? I feel like he gave up and just walked away from it without even trying or talking to me. I feel like he is either lying to himself or to me - both of which piss me off. I feel like a dumbass for falling for those lies and believing him. I feel like a dumbass for doing this not just once, but twice. I feel like a failure because I failed him as a friend. I feel like a loser because I got dumped on valentine's day...over the phone. I feel like I lost my best friend because I did.

I keep telling myself I will be okay. I guess I feel like if I keep saying it over and over it will eventually become true. Things stick with me though, I am easily scarred. Scars shrink and grow smaller over time, so that's mainly what I hope for - that I will eventually look back on this with a bittersweet smile and a small shake of the head.
(Get ready for the horse tie-in...)
I'm an eventer though and no matter how much it hurts we always get back on to finish the ride (well, I guess back before the new rule change). I broke my face in MO and got back on to finish; I seperated my shoulder and fought the medics trying to get up and back on; I got bucked off, cracked my helmet, grabbed a new one and got back on...if I can grin and bear through physical pain, I will be able to grin and bear through this emotional hurt.

I am an eventer and we always get through the flags: over it, under it or through it.

"You Get Me In, I'll Get You Out"

Wow...do I really need to say anything else?

Stella Got It Back, Now It's My Turn

I need to get back into the groove of my riding career again. I haven't really done much of anything since I hurt my shoulder - I was injured, then I had Christmas break, the barn situation angered me to the point where I had to take a bit of a second break from the barn, Coaster has that weird skin thing going on, and I have to move him. Oh yeah, and the week-long ice storm and classes now and then...where does all my time go?!

While I escaped the war-zone of Northwest Arkansas this past weekend, I watched some old videos of Onyx and I before my Senior year. We were schooling Preliminary level stuff easily - I'm retarded for letting my momentum slow down. But I did, so now I just have to work extra hard at getting it back going again - what is it called? Potential energy? Oh well, regardless I need to get back in the swing of things. Luckily the new barn where Coaster will be moved next Monday has a large indoor arena that is available 24/7 with lights, heaters and footing that isn't so deep it will cause a soft tissue injury. Once the skin thing is healed up (it would be in a very inconvenient/uncomfortable place that would make exercise painful for Coaster) I have no excuse not to go work him at least 4-5 days a week. This new place is even about 10 minutes closer than the old place.

So here's to getting my groove back! Wish me luck!